I'm Back

This semester I took kind of a hiatus from blogging. There were a few times over the last four months that I sat down and forced myself to write and publish. What I wrote on these occasions was not necessarily terrible, but certainly they weren't good either. Today I reflect on why I stopped publishing my words.

Insecurities.

I am so insecure about being 21 and a freshman in college. This has led to some pretty misguided actions on my part. Not blogging was the least of my problems.

I dabbled over the summer in writing about my love life, and promised more (if more was ever to come). This semester my insecurities took over my love life. I dated guys and quite frankly settled when it comes to my personal standards. I think I have kind of figured out why. I don't want to disappoint. I know right now, the "type" of guy I want to be with, is the same type of guy who wants to get married. I'm, again, 21 and a freshman in college. I am so far from that point in my life. So I over compensated. I dated guys who I could never disappoint in that way. For the first time in my life I dated guys that were younger than me. I make jokes now that if I didn't even like 20 year old guys when I was 19, what was I thinking trying it out now. I was thinking that if I dated them, I would never have to chose between two really big goals in my life. Dating younger guys who had little respect for me was the wrong answer to my perceived dilemma. Even in the moment I knew this to an extent and my lack of writing is proof of that. I was ashamed. I would write and edit and never have the courage to press publish because my insecurities pushed me to a point where that level of vulnerability was just too much to handle. I could not do it.


So what's the point? Why am I telling you this?

The point is that I want to be better. I want to be able to be vulnerable again. I also want to get to the point where I can publish what I wrote this past semester. I want to be able to show who I am right now.

This is me. I am 21, I work too much, I love sparklers, I have braces. I am trying to be better, happier, and more considerate. I love to help people.  I have an opinion about pretty much everything.I sometimes don't date the right guys.